Why one should mind one’s own business in the supermarket. 

It had been a long, busy day at work following several days plagued by severe headaches. I headed to the supermarket to get some things for dinner and to stock up on Tim Tams for my family and friends in the U.S. and Canada, as I am heading back over there in a couple of weeks. 

I had ten packs of Tim Tams and a stack of other Aussie treats in my basket. A lady nearby looked into my basket and then looked at me, as though she were trying to shame me for my wilful flirtation with Type 2 Diabetes.  

I could have called her out on being a nosy cow who makes assumptions about strangers way too quickly but, instead, I looked her right in the eye with feigned innocence as I took the last box of Tee Vee Snacks from right in front of her and said, “What? I’m hungry, okay?”

She couldn’t look away fast enough. 

“There!” I said inside my head, “that will teach you to mind your own business.”

When I got to the checkout, the attendant was looking strangely at my stash and at me, but at least she tried to hide it. Once again, I looked at her and said, “Never can stop at just one, you know!” 

She tried to hide her reaction with a smile, but it was awkward.

“Not really,” I continued. “I’m going to America and Canada in a couple of weeks and they can’t get Tim Tams there. I’m performing a mission of mercy.”

That time, she really was horrified. 

“Those poor people!” she said. “Ten packets isn’t enough!”

“I know, right,” I said, “but I don’t want to be arrested for trafficking a drug of dependence.”

“Can they do that?”

“Yeah, twelve packs and I’d be a goner. They’d confiscate them all at the airport and arrest me. ”

Her eyes were wide and her mouth was open. 

Never mind how tired I had been just twenty minutes earlier. I walked out of that store feeling like an absolute legend. 

Ear buds in-nuendo.

Today, one of my office buddies said to me, “You know what I wonder about myself? If I’m listening to music with ear buds in, do I breathe louder?”

I had no idea what to say to that, except to comment that the thought had honestly never crossed my mind. 

She continued, “There was a kid in class and he had ear buds in, and he was breathing really heavy. But you don’t do it when you’re listening to music. I’ve never heard you doing any heavy breathing at all.”

“That’s probably a good thing!” I said. 

And there I was, dying laughing at my own double entendre. 

Thankfully, she was laughing, too.  That’s probably also a good thing, really. 

Irony at 1.20am

Of all the games I play on my iPod, I think my favourite has to be the one where I regularly drop my iPod on my head when I fall asleep listening to a podcast that I started listening to because I couldn’t sleep, and wake myself up again. 

In terms of rather pathetic and incredibly frustrating personal irony, it’s a perpetual source of entertainment that never gets old. 

You might be tempted to think I’d learn. 

Nope.  

Lost: one tooth. 

Today my 9 year old nephew, Hamish, showed me the space where he just lost a tooth while eating a pie. 

I commented that he was lucky that he didn’t swallow it. 

“I’ve only ever swallowed one tooth.”

“What did the tooth fairy do then?” I asked him. 

“I wrote a note and told her that I swallowed my tooth, but could I have the money anyway? But I never got the money.”

“Did you look near the toilet?” I asked him. “Maybe you just looked in the wrong place!”

When he finally stopped laughing, I said, “Why don’t you tell that story at ‘Show and Tell’ tomorrow? It will make your teacher’s day.”

I do so enjoy being helpful.