I want to establish from the outset that I am not a wimp when it comes to spicy food. Indian, Asian, Mexican… I love it all.
For lunch today, my husband ordered a meat lover’s pizza with chilli. It was delicious – until I bit into the hottest fuelled-by-all-the-power-of-hell piece of chilli I have ever experienced.
What I experienced at that point in time was way beyond taste, pleasure, or delicacy. It was excruciating.
My mouth was on fire.
I lost sensation in my lips, then almost passed out.
My eyes were streaming.
I was using bad words, but slurring my words.
My dear man thought I was just being funny. I wasn’t. This was one of the rare moments in my life where being a comic genius was not something I had in mind.
That supercharged little sucker burned my mouth, throat, oesophagus and stomach for at least an hour, only moderately assuaged by milk. I have had a persistent stomach ache for 9 hours, and my mouth and throats are still sore.
And now, the assault continues as the nugget of hellfire works its way through my system.
N e v e r in my life have I experienced anything like this.
Suffice to say that while the volcano is not erupting hot lava, it is definitely shooting out dangerous levels of sulphur and brimstone. It’s probably worthy of an official health and safety warning.
At least there is one thing of which I can be certain: this, too, shall pass.
And that, my friends, is going to hurt.
Edit: On reading this, a friend sent me an article about two guys in New Zealand making someone eat a Fijian Bongo Chilli, which had exactly these after effects. He was suing them for assault.
I don’t blame him.